Breakfasts ofs Championses

Leave it to the world's largest fast food chain to butcher the English language. The same company responsible for the clever marketing ploy of adding the letters "Mc" to every item on the menu is at it again. The same company who has a clown, a bird, a crook, some bushes, and something called "Grimace" as mascots is up to its old tricks. The same company responsible for the obesity epidemic in America is truly trying to make me angry.
To be quite honest, I used to like McDonald's and even the food they served. True, over the years, a few of their endeavors flopped like Vlade Divac & Reggie Miller. Pizza, the McDiner, that thing called "Grimace." But they've had their share of successes also: Michael Jordan/Larry Bird commercials, "Do You Believe in Magic?" the Happy Meal.
Since my childhood, my feelings towards McDonald's have turned towards indifference. In the world of fast food, McDonald's is the pits. Sure, they still have those Happy Meals and the playground, but I'm just too old for that (actually, I just don't want anyone to see me). I can no longer enjoy those things that brought me to McDonald's oh so many years ago.
McDonald's is currently in a state of disarray. In August of last year, they introduced the Chicken Selects, a "healthy" alternative to their own food. The accompanying commercials were almost enough to push me over the edge. "Back away from my Chicken Selects. Don't touch my Chicken Selects. Are those your Chicken Selects? No! That's my Chicken." Well, with all do respect Fuck Your Chicken Selects sir. They aren't that good, and they aren't that healthy. I wouldn't touch your Chicken Selects with a ten-foot pole. I don't care how many dipping sauces you got over there.

I've finally reached my breaking point. Just weeks ago, something even more ridiculous was brought to my attention by McDonald's. Last year, they introduced a breakfast sandwich which consisted of 2 maple-syrupy griddle cakes, egg, cheese, and bacon/sausage. They called them McGriddles (Clever, huh?). Well, low and behold a new commercial for McDonald's was produced to advertise breakfast. And here's how it goes:

Girl: Girls are like a McGriddles. Blah blah blah. So blah?
Guy: I get another McGriddles. Blah blah blah.
Girl: Blah blah blah.

Come again? A McGriddles. Another McGriddles. One sandwich, "s" on the end? How can that be? I've heard of plural objects being called something singular sounding (I saw three deer in the park.), but never have I ever heard one item being referred to as plural. I thought I misheard them at first. I thought the girl misspoke. But he said it too. And I saw the commercial again and again, and I pondered. I told people, they didn't believe me. This is un-fuck-believable.
The English language has some strange rules, but this is a new one by me. If it has an "s" at the end, and I order it, I better get two or more of whatever that shit is.
Sure, there are two griddle cakes that make up this sandwich. But there are three pieces of bread on a Big Mac (if I remember correctly), and it ain't called no Big Macs.
Sure, on average one McGriddles has 475 calories (only 50 calories less than a Big Mac), 25 grams of fat, and nearly 200 mg of cholesterol. Surely, this nutrition info would make you believe you were getting more than one sandwich, but you aren't. You eat one of these McGriddles, and your diet is screwed for the rest of the day. Have fun nibbling a piece of lettuce for lunch and dinner, jackass.

If you know why its called a McGriddles, drop me a line: ctopper@purdue.edu
If you know what Grimace is, drop me a line: ctopper@purdue.edu

Well, its about dinner time, and I'm thinkin about some McDonald's. I'm lovin' it!

One dumb conversation...

Look, I know its been a long time since I updated this, but I only know of one person who read it back then anyway. So I'm starting over as of right now. But the old stuff is still here, so if you have a hankerin' for nostalgia, scroll down. Go ahead... its ok. No, farther....

Is that all I'm here for? To tell you I am starting over, yet offering you nothing else? Of course not. I just got back from dinner and overheard a conversation that inspired me. A conversation that can inspire such a mind as great as mine? That must've been some deep and thoughtful stuff. Not quite. Here's a rough reenactment:

Girl 1: "Apparently what we call a 'Chinese Turnaround' is a called a 'Chinese Cut' to everyone else."
Girl 2: "Chinese Cut? What's that?"
Girl 1: "I know! What is that?"

Read that again if you need to. I understand if you got lost on the first run through.
Ready now?

A CHINESE TURNAROUND? You must be joking! Why would you call it that? There is no turning around. None. For those of you not familiar with the term, a 'Chinese Cut' is letting someone who is not in line in front of you, and then they let you back in front of them. See why it is called a 'cut' instead of a 'turnaround?' Did mention any kind of rotation; 180 degrees, 360 degrees or otherwise? No, because there isn't any. I don't see how these two young scholars failed to grasp that part. There is one thing we can agree on: How did the Chinese get involved?
If anyone knows, drop me a line at: ctopper@purdue.edu
If anyone else calls IT a 'Chinese Turnaround' drop me a line at: ctopper@purdue.edu (and I will insult you)
Also, feel free to send me other conversations you may have overheard (or been involved in) that you think are dumber than this one.

The Terminal (part 2) <---- Not Really.... News about Shaquille O'Nonsense

Well, this news is a day or two old, but what the hey. The Shaquille O'Neal to Miami trade is almost complete. The Miami Heat, fresh off their first playoff birth in centuries, are dealing 2 1/2 stars and a potential future star for the aging Shaq Diesel. The Los Angeles Lakers will recieve Lamar Odom, Caron Butler, Brian Grant, and a future No. 1 pick, for the 32 year old, 7 foot, 400 lb O'Neal.
The Miami Heat enjoyed success because they were young and exciting. They could run the floor. Shaq can't. No running whatsoever from number 34.
Watching Dwayne Wade give Shaq 50 touches a game on offense isn't that exciting. Particularly in the Eastern Conference where there is no one even remotely comparable to Shaq's MASSIVE frame.
Raise your hand if you watched the NBA Finals. Did both of you guys notice that Ben Wallace, Elden Campbell, and the entire state of Detroit got dominated by Shaq? And the Lakers still lost.
The Miami Heat will be the biggest turnaround for the worst in NBA history. They don't have the depth the Lakers had, and they are about to trade all their starters.
On top of that Shaq is in the declining stages of his career, and the Heat are trading away a lot of youth. Lamar Odom averaged 17 points per game and 9 rebounds, while Brian Grant added 7 points and 8 rebounds, and Caron Butler joined in with 12 points and 8 rebounds. Butler and Odom are both 24 and Grant is 32.
Its looking like Shaq is gonna have to average 36 points and 25 rebounds per game to make up the difference.
Shaq and the 400 lbs he calls his body are also prone to injury. Obviously, human bones aren’t made to take that kindof stress. If Shaq is out of the lineup for any games next season the Heat will surely suffer as a result
If you thought Stan Van Gundy looked like a porn star last year, wait ‘til you see the look on his face next season…

The Terminal (part 1)

My good friend, Brian Spaulding, asks what I'm doing tonight. Nothing. Of course. He hints at seeing "The Terminal." Not interested. Minutes later, I ask "So whats going on tonight." He's meeting up with some ladies, behind my back. He informs me of their identies, and I jump onboard. He arrives at my house after we both showered (NO! Not together! Filthy...).
We head to the movies and purchase tickets. We did NOT, I repeat, not do the Fandango. We enter our theatre. Its empty. Just 10 short minutes before the film's 9:50 start time (yeah, you guessed it, about 9:40). We find the perfect seats. The previews begin, but no women. Spauldo gets refreshments. No women.
First, a few ads, one for Coca Cola C2. Listen people, if you are a true health nut, don't drink soda. Its that simple. Milk, water, juice... the list of reasonably healthy drinks is lengthy. Soda is not on that lengthy list. Then there was an ad for some blue credit card, I forget which. Well, it was basically about buying pieces of shit merchandise. Next, an N Gage ad. I mean, what the fuck? Are there gonna be commercial breaks too?
On to ACTUAL previews! Finally! Who says finally to the fuckin previews... Anyway, Ladder 49 looks good. Unfortunately, John Travolta is in it. I can't help but thinking of him as John Travolta, no matter what movie he is in. Good actors make you forget that they are actors. John Travolta is fuckin John Travolta and thats it.
The Polar Express looks like it has some quality CG animation, but no plot. A train to the North Pole? Then, what? Halloween takes over? Tim Allen becomes Santa Claus? Macaulay fuckin Culkin fights Joe Pesci and some other fuck? This one's got box office hit all over it....
More crap to watch. Theatre population 6. Still, no women.
Finally the movie starts. It was pretty good. Still, no women.
We then drove home and joked about some stuff. He bought gas for his car, and dropped me off at my house. No women here either.
Now I'm writing this thing. Ladies, call me.

Pistons in Five

Yeah, I jumped on the Piston bandwagon. 2 years ago. But even I didn't think they could beat the Lakers in The Finals. Kobe. Shaq-Fu. The Glove. The Mailman. That's an All-Star team. But after suffering 4 losses in 5 games in which they got outplayed the entire way, Kobe will likely go to Denver (Yes, the Nuggets... he'll be closer to his trial this way), Shaq will record another rap album and film another movie(I here Steel 2 needs someone for the lead role), Karl Malone will retire and actually become an employee of the US Postal Service, and GP will... well, thats anyone's guess. Phil Jackson, the Luckiest Coach in NBA History, will also likely retire. To this I say "Good Riddance Laker's Dynasty!" It's lasted too damn long, anyway.